The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre is known for the quote: “Hell is other people.” In one of his stage dramas, translated as “In camera”, three characters are waiting together in a room in hell. They expect to be tortured for all their wrong deeds on earth.
But no-one arrives. Instead, three people start interrogating one another about their individual sins. It soon becomes clear that the real torture comes from other people – hence Sartre’s cynical conclusion.
Dealing with difficult people is a daily challenge. Insensitive, irritating, spiteful, or outright stupid people, can challenge our patience and self-control. When dealing with an unreasonable person we often ask ourselves why the non-guilty party should go the extra mile. Why should I change when the other person is at fault? The answer is that the heart attack will be yours if you don’t.
Analysing human behaviour, behavioural scientists suggest four steps that could help one move from anger to managing your reactions. The first is to try and understand and explain the person’s bad behaviour before you label him or her. Take yourself out of the situation and try to find out the underlying emotion that triggered his or her reaction.
This will enable you to predict his or her future behaviour. The next step is to carefully try to influence the other person. People only drop their defenses when they feel safe. By using inclusive language (referring to “we” and “us” instead of “you”), recognising the other person when he does something good, and reaching out to him, one can build such a safe environment.
The final step is to choose and control your reactions. Recognise that people are different and separate the person from his actions. When judging the actions – and not the person – ask yourself whether this behaviour justifies your having a heart attack.
When you feel anger rise, take a deep breath to flood your body with healthy oxygen, and to tell your brain that all is OK. Pity Mr. Difficult, count to ten and say: “I notice we are getting uptight, I suggest we take a recess…”
Finally, congratulate yourself for investing in your growth and survival.
