We have daily conversations, albeit slightly less during this period of social distancing. They could be casual or friendly conversations, frivolous or shallow conversations in the supermarket queue, or serious, important conversations relating to home or work issues.
“Crucial conversations” is the name given to those tough conversations that could change a situation and even the life of a person or a company valuing relationships.
Patterson, Grenny, Switzler, and McMillan, the four writers of the best-seller “Crucial Conversations, Tools for talking when stakes are high,” have researched this topic over many years. They define a conversation as “crucial” when it meets three criteria:
- The stakes are high
- There are opposing opinions and
- Strong emotions at play.
Research has shown that the ability to talk openly about controversial and emotional topics where the stakes are high, results in strong relationships and successful organisations and communities. Dodging crucial conversations is harmful. It can only result in unsolved issues, festering wounds, or ongoing resentment.
But the ability to communicate with skill and care under highly emotional circumstances does not come easy or naturally, the authors warn. When it matters most, people degenerate into their worst selves, reacting emotionally and irrationally.
If someone has offended or hurt you in any way, it is normal to jump to conclusions about his character and his motivation for doing so. Instead of pausing, taking a deep breath, and allowing yourself space to recompose yourself, it is easy to turn into a monster and hurl abuse back at him or her, saying things you could regret later.
In crucial moments, our emotions are almost always wrong and even dangerous. They corrupt our view of people closest to us. If you are further driven by the need to be right, you will not be able to act fairly or see people as they really are.
Learning to identify a crucial conversation moment, and practising to halt your emotions, listen carefully, and keeping the end-result in mind, takes practice. Know that, in the heated moment, your muscles (and your fists) are charged with more blood than your brain.
Before you react, ask yourself the important question: “What do I really want?” Choose to react with your brain (and not your fists); make it safe for both parties – and choose relationship and dialogue above winning the war.
