With so many influencers, bloggers and authors (me too) talking, writing and posting about the value of friendship, I fear that some of us might be holding on to unhealthy connections. Perhaps we put so much value on having relationships that they devalue into “situationships”.
This does not only happen in romantic entanglements. Sometimes, work or family pressure keeps us in close proximity to people we think are our allies – but they are not. Not all of us are clear-eyed enough to recognise the difference between a healthy and a toxic connection, especially when it happens online.
How can we identify a friendship that is not good for us?
First, get your mindset right. Remember, you are examining your connection. You are not trying to pick a fight or blame and shame the other person. Turn your focus inwards and not outwards on what you think the other person’s faults or weaknesses are.
Start with your own body. Pay attention to the physical signals it sends you. Your body is the vehicle that has been carrying you through your life and it has gathered a lot of information about what is good for you and what not.
Ask yourself the following about your connection:
- Do you experience headaches, nausea or stiff muscles after a text, email, meeting or visit?
- Does your chest feel tight or your throat constricted in their presence?
- Are you suddenly struggling with acne breakouts or hair loss?
It could, of course, all mean that your lifestyle needs a healthy update or that you should visit a doctor for a check-up. But, yes, some people experience these physical warnings in a specific person’s company. If this applies to you, please allow yourself the freedom to put up more boundaries.
You do not need to find proof of “danger” or toxicity in the other person and please do not try to confront or change them. Rather, find ways to limit their presence in your life and reduce communication with them. If you really must deal with them, keep the topics neutral and never divulge personal or sensitive information.
Other symptoms of a toxic connection
As you become more attuned to yourself, you can also become more sensitive to what you are feeling and experiencing on an emotional level:
- How do you feel after communicating or being with this person: tired or energised?
- Do you feel relieved when the person leaves or do you wish to continue talking?
- Do you feel uplifted and/or relaxed after spending time with them, or do you feel guilty and/or do you suddenly doubt yourself and your opinions?
- Do you feel supported and accepted, or criticised and belittled?
You are not obligated to maintain a friendship that does not “work” for you. Not all platonic connections are open to a difficult and frank conversation about boundaries. You are free to simply withdraw in a polite and kind manner.
Be very sure that you are not declining invitations and keeping your distance to punish the other person or teach them a lesson. Do it out of kindness to yourself and show the other person the same amount of respect and decency.
Jennifer Green wrote: “Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care but because they don’t. A person’s actions will tell you everything you need to know. Love yourself enough to say goodbye to those who don’t make time for you or don’t know how to love you back. Let go of what hurts, even if it hurts to let go.”
