In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman claims that he can predict with a 91% accuracy, whether a relationship will end in divorce – after watching and listening to a couple argue for just 5 minutes.
1. When one or both partners begin an argument with a HARSH START-UP–
- an attack or accusation – the conversation is doomed for failure.
- When this happens on a regular basis, it bodes badly for the relationship.
- The way the conversation starts predicts 96% whether the relationship is in high or low risk
- Use softened or gentler startup;
- focus on own feelings and
- express a positive need and focus on using “I” statements
2. On-going negative thoughts about the marriage is a sign of emotional separation.
- Happy couples choose to default to positive thoughts in spite of conflict
3. FLOODING –
- When the spouse’s negativity (in the guise of criticism, contempt or defensiveness) is so overwhelming, that the other partner feels flooded.
- When this happens frequently, the flooded partner protects him or herself and disengages from the relationship.
GENERAL TIPS for conflict management in a love relationship:
- Don’t go into fight or flight mode – keep the emotional arousal toned down
- Avoid blaming the problem on some part of your partner’s personality – criticism or worse, contempt
- Call a time-out when the argument gets too hot – agree that you will talk about it within one hour or at the most, within 24 hours
- Distract yourself and learn self-soothing techniques when things get out of hand
- Ask your partner: What do you need? Keep in mind that it is easier to listen to your partner when he or she is more vulnerable when expressing needs – “I miss you in bed” – this could invite the listener to be close, Rather than: “You don’t give a damn about me”;
- Stay kind to one another – know that the other person is not your enemy but your friend.
