Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages needs no introduction. However, Chapman is not the only one who has been researching love relationships. Dr John Gottman and his wife Dr Julie Gottman, are known for their Seattle Love Lab research on over 40 000 voluntary couples. Gottman and his co-workers studied, through scientific measurement and observation methods, couples’ reaction to conflict.
They founded the Gottman Institute – an organisation dedicated to strengthening relationships through research-based programs. Gottman claims that he can predict with a 91% accuracy, whether a relationships will end in divorce – after watching and listening to a couple argue for just 5 minutes.
The Love Lab couples were followed for over 20 years into their late 80’s and 90’s. Gottman studied the good and the bad behaviours of couples and identified High Risk and Low Risk relationships.
Research showed up several myths in marriage. Some of these truths are:
- Although communication skills are handy, so-called active listening and good communication is not the key to a happy marriage.
- Successful conflict resolution isn’t what makes marriages succeed. How you treat one another in between fights is what counts.
- Screaming matches and loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.
- Common interests do not necessarily keep people together.
- Many marriage problems cannot be resolved. Perpetual problems – 69% of all problems – are based on personality differences – like neat vs sloppy, night owls and early birds who marry
- Neuroses or personality problems do not ruin marriages. The key to a happy marriage is not to be ‘normal’ but to find someone that can handle your strange side with caring, affection and respect.
- Affairs are not the root cause of divorce but rather a sign of loneliness in the marriage. When the partners have gradually grown apart and lost their sense of closeness, an affair is often an attempt to break the loneliness. Symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause.
- Happy marriages are never perfect unions. Many happily married couples have significant differences in temperament, interests and even family values. They argue over money, jobs, sex and in-laws. But they have found a way to keep mutual respect for one another and to enjoy one another’s company.
- They know each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams.
- They allow their partners to influence them.
- Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
