We have all, to lesser and greater degrees, been scarred in our childhoods. I am pretty sure of this. Because we were raised by humans. They could have been good, clever, loving, and caring, but there has never been a handbook for perfect parenting.
We all carry baggage. Some of it our own, and a large deal of it subconsciously inherited from our parents and our forefathers. We were all shaped by the circumstances of our childhoods and we all inherited a list of beliefs and views on life that we have translated into our own truths. Many of these truths, especially those that concern our abilities, are untruths that have settled in our basements.
Psychologists and behavioural scientists have found that beliefs of unworthiness, can dominate a person’s relationships at all levels. Unresolved feelings from one’s childhood could create patterns of never-ending explosive reactions at work and home.
Have you ever found that a person’s actions or words trigger an almost out-of-control reaction from your side? That is a clear sign that you should become your own investigator. The day you become curious about your repeating reaction patterns in conflict situations, could be the day you get a grip on your past – improving your present and your future.
Therapist and author Terri Cole suggests you ask yourself three questions and be prepared to delve into your past:
- Who does this person remind me of?
- Where have I felt this very same emotion before?
- How is this behaviour or my sudden reaction familiar to me – i.e., when, in my past, did I react in the same way?
She tells the story of a competent woman who couldn’t understand why she almost lost control when her female employer made certain remarks. Asking herself the three questions, made her realise that her boss reminded her of her domineering elder sister and all the feelings she had to suppress as a child. She was therefore reacting as a ten-year-old child and not as an adult.
As a child, you didn’t have the choice to address your unresolved pain and frustration. But as an adult, you can choose to clear out your basement, honour your real feelings and stop, think and make a mindful decision before you react.
